FASD Parenting: 3 essential steps
Your child will also have strengths, but it’s key to recognise that other challenges—like difficulties with attention or impulsivity—can stop them from using those strengths. Even though they have the ability, they may not be able to access it when they need to.
If your child has been diagnosed with FASD, you might be wondering, “What now?” Here are three practical steps to help you better understand and support your child moving forward.
Learning about your child’s diagnosis can be overwhelming. It can also be a relief to have an explanation for the challenges that your child experiences. Now you have something to go on so that you can help your child fulfil their potential. Trust that, over time you will learn how you can best support your child to have a fulfilling life.
Here are 3 steps you can take to become a FASD-informed parent, and hopefully make life a bit easier.
- Understand the connection between brain and behaviour
- Learn more about how your child is affected
- Use some simple FASD strategies.
1. Understand the connection between brain and behaviour
The first thing to understand about FASD is that it’s a disability that physically changes how the brain functions. These changes affect behaviour, which can be challenging for both you and your child. Unfortunately, many people don’t realise that behaviour can be a symptom of a disability, and it can seem like the child is deliberately choosing to act that way.
When a child has a physical disability, people understand that the child needs support. We don’t expect a student who uses a wheelchair to be able to get up steps to their school – they need a ramp. No-one expects the child to change.
FASD can cause developmental delays in thinking, problem solving, communication and many other areas – but it’s often the behavioural issues that lead parents to seek help. Common behaviours include:
- Not following instructions
- Getting overwhelmed with emotions
- Not paying attention or listening, even when it’s important
- Difficulty seeing other people’s points of view
- Wanting to be in control
- Having difficulty being told “no”
- Behaving like a much younger child.
When children don’t learn these skills naturally, it makes life hard for everyone. There can be a lot of pressure at home and school for the child to “change” their behaviour – and a sense of failure and frustration when this doesn’t happen.
When it’s can’t, not won’t
When a child with FASD displays ongoing behaviours, it’s a clear sign that they aren’t able to change their behaviour, rather than simply choosing not to. This is because their brain processes information differently, often making it hard for them to control impulses, adapt to new situations, or understand the consequences of their actions in the same way as others. These behaviours are often a result of the neurological challenges they face, not a lack of will or effort. It’s important to recognise that they may not have the skills or capacity to regulate their behaviour, despite how it might appear on the surface.
In her book Trying Differently Rather Than Harder, Diane Malbin explains why children with FASD don’t learn from consequences in the typical way. She shares the example of Johnny, a boy who leaves his bike out in the rain instead of putting it away. As a consequence, his mother sends him to his room for time-out, expecting this will teach him to put his bike away next time. But every day is a new day for Johnny, and the next day, he leaves the bike out again—leaving his parents feeling frustrated.
For Johnny to learn from the consequence, he needs to understand why he was sent to his room, connect the punishment to his behaviour, and remember this the next day to make a different choice.
But Johnny’s brain does not make the connection leaving his bike outside and being sent to his room. He can’t remember what happened yesterday, and even if he did, he can’t retrieve the information when he needs it – and so he can’t make a different choice.
2. Learn more about how your child is affected
It’s important to understand the specific ways your child is impacted, which you can often find in their FASD assessment or other reports, like cognitive or language assessments. These insights can help you make sense of how their brain functions in everyday life, including which areas are most affected.
For example, if your child has a language impairment, they might struggle with processing verbal instructions or expressing themselves clearly. This often leads to frustration or misunderstandings, whether at home or at school. You probably already had a sense of this from filling out all those questionnaires before the assessment, so it’s not really new information—but now you know it’s a skills deficit, not just a weakness. But knowing this can help you notice all the times in daily life that your child not be able to process information and understand the behaviorus that result. Then you can adjust your expectations and find better ways to communicate, like using visual cues or breaking instructions down into smaller steps.
Working with your child’s therapists can give you more insight into their assessments and help you better understand their abilities and challenges. Therapists can guide you in interpreting the reports and offer practical strategies to support your child based on their specific needs.
Understanding the difference between can’t and won’t makes all the difference for a child, their parents, and teachers.
Your child will have cognitive strengths, but it’s important to recognise that challenges like attention or impulsivity issues may prevent them from fully using those strengths in certain situations. Even though they have the ability, they may struggle to access it when they need to.
Additionally, take time to notice what your child excels at in more practical or creative areas, like building with LEGO or creating art. Helping them engage in activities where they feel confident can build their self-esteem and create more opportunities for success, despite the other challenges they face.
3. Use some simple FASD strategies
Being FASD-informed is all about shifting how we do things and adapting the environment around the child, rather than expecting the child to change. We need to create environments that recognise when a child can’t do something and adapt to them, instead of trying to make them fit into a system that doesn’t work for them.
One practical way to do this is by using the Eight Magic Keys—a set of strategies designed to help children with FASD by adjusting our approach and the world around them.
The Eight Magic Keys include:
- Concrete – Use clear, concrete language and avoid abstract ideas or figures of speech. Instead of saying “get dressed,” be specific: “put your pants on.”
- Consistency – Keep things as consistent as possible across different environments and reduce unnecessary changes. Use the same words for things at home and school.
- Repetition – Children with FASD need repeated exposure to ideas and information before it becomes part of their long-term memory. Repeat instructions using the same words, every day.
- Routine – Maintaining regular routines helps children know what to expect and reduces anxiety. Keep meal times the same every day, even on weekends and holidays.
- Simplicity – Too much information can overwhelm, so keep communication simple and clear. Use short sentences, give one instruction at a time, and allow time for the child to process.
- Specific – Be direct and explain exactly what you mean, breaking tasks down into clear steps. Instead of saying “tidy your room,” say “put all the toys in this box.”
- Structure – A structured environment helps children with FASD make sense of the world. Have designated places for shoes, schoolbags, and readers. Use picture labels, and keep items in the same spot every day.
- Supervision – Children with FASD often need supervision similar to that of a younger child to help guide and model appropriate behaviour. Be nearby when your child is playing with a friend, so you can teach and reinforce social skills.
The Eight Magic Keys not only provide guidance for day-to-day challenges but also help us step back and understand why certain behaviours might be happening. Was there a change in routine? Was the task too complicated? Were too many instructions given at once? Did the child need closer supervision? This approach allows us to move away from blame or frustration, using a more thoughtful, problem-solving to find the next steps forward.
If you’re a parent or carer struggling with challenging behaviours from a child with FASD, organisations like NOFASD Australia can provide guidance and support. If your child’s behaviour is escalating or putting them at serious risk—whether socially, at school, or in other areas—don’t hesitate to reach out for help. In a crisis, contact your local health service, crisis helplines, or community organisations for immediate support. You don’t have to face these challenges alone—help is available.
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Get in touch:
If you have questions, or need advice or support, get in touch! You are welcome to book a 20 minute discovery call to talk about your needs or send me a message.
About the author:
Prue Walker is a clinical social worker specialising in Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD). Prue provides training and consultation services to families, professionals, and organisations to better address the needs of those with FASD. Prue developed an interest in FASD through her work in child protection and out of home care in Victoria and the Northern Territory. In 2009 she visited the US and Canada on a Churchill Fellowship investigating models of care for children with FASD. Prue has delivered many workshops and presentations on FASD and provides specialist advice and training to organisations, families and care teams. She is a member of the FASD Guideline Development Group and works as a Clinical Coordinator at the Victorian Fetal Alcohol Service (VicFAS) at Monash Children’s Hospital. In 2024 Prue was awarded the HESTA Excellence award for individual leadership in Allied Health.
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